Things My Father Taught Me

On January 11, 1984, I was born out of wedlock to two irresponsible teenagers. I don’t know much about my Father because he was absent for most of my life. Out of legal obligation and responsibility he was forced to see me for a couple of summers throughout the earlier part of my childhood. Despite him not putting up a fight to have a relationship with me, I often romanticized about having a father who did. I used to make up stories and tell people at school he was a world traveler or that he was a  doctor, so busy saving lives that he was never home. The truth is he was a janitor. He let my mother leave with me and never said a word. He paid $38 a week to help “support” me and eventually signed his rights away. I never understood how a parent could not want their child. I convinced myself that someday he would come to his senses. I thought he might have some life changing event that would alter his perspective and suddenly he would want to know me. Years went by, but I didn’t give up. I figured when I became an adult, maybe then things would be different. We would be closer because I wasn’t a kid anymore. I made excuses for him. He didn’t know what to do with a child but surely he would know how to be pals with his adult daughter. Unfortunately, he never changed, never put in an ounce of effort and now at almost 40 years old, the only thing that’s different is that I tell people I don’t have a father at all. I may have erased his memory but little does he know the impression and impact his absence left on me is priceless. These are the things my father taught me.

Lesson #1: Don’t pretend to love anyone. Your love is a special gift. Give it away selectively and sparingly. My father never pretended. He was unapologetically incapable of loving me. I don’t even fault him for that. He simply just didn’t know how. But I sure thought I could teach him. I thought if I was a good student, or played an instrument or became a star athlete, I could make him love me. I thought love always wins, doesn’t it? No. Love isn’t a game that you play. In love you don’t keep score. You can’t force an interception. Love is a choice. So when you love, love authentically and with your whole heart. It’s okay to go all in on love. But if that love isn’t reciprocated, run. Don’t stand your ground. Don’t give ultimatums or conditions. Just keep it moving. And if someone loves you, but you don’t feel the same, tell them the truth and let them go. Rejection is a mother, but living a lie wastes precious time, time that is not guaranteed.

Lesson #2: A bad role model is worse than having none at all. If you have toxic people in your life, remove them. It’s really as simple as that. In the words of motivational speaker Jim Rohn: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” So ask yourself, does this person enhance my life? Do they make me a better person? Do they exemplify character traits of a good human? Do they care about my well being and the well being of others? I looked up to my absent father, but I can’t even tell you why. He didn’t enhance my life. He didn’t show up for me. He didn’t protect or nurture me. He was a less than part time parent with about as much innate fatherly ability as a chicken nugget. Now I’m not saying that I’ve got the parenting game all figured out, but I know there are some basic needs that children have, that we as parents must fulfill. Beyond those basic needs, the goal is to teach them values and impart morals, provide opportunities, support them, give them goals and responsibilities and prepare them for adulthood. If you are a parent, you have the ability to be the most important person in your child’s life. So act like it. Be the parent that has their shit together, so that your child wants to be everything you are and more. But if you’re like me and you didn’t have anyone positive to emulate, seek the qualities you value out in others and make them your own. Don’t you dare give someone wings who doesn’t deserve them. You’re better off working on your own wings, feather by feather. Be 1% better than the you from yesterday. Level up. Find a way to move your dial in a positive direction. Stand in your own shadow and get comfortable with who you are before you start idolizing people who are on their own journey and not making decisions with you in mind. Be your own role model. Others will take note and maybe, just maybe, you can make a difference in someone else’s life.

Lesson #3: One person let you down, but that doesn’t mean everyone will. After being abandoned by my father, (and emotionally abandoned by my mother) for a long time I thought I was unworthy of love and that there must be something wrong with me. I went searching for that missing “love” in all the wrong places and on top of it, going in with an already cynical heart. Needless to say, with an attitude like that, none of my relationships or friendships were ever going to work out. I ran like an EF4 tornado from anything that gave even the smallest signal might be good for me. I’m here to tell you, that you can stop running. People will disappoint you. Fact. You have to remember, no one person is the same. Stop comparing new people you meet to the worst person you ever met. You might miss out on the one person standing right in front of you who’s saying “I’ll never leave”.

Lesson #4: Don’t commit to anything that you can’t follow through with. My father would make plans and promises he never kept. When you say you’re going to do something, do it. Plain and simple. Be the person your friends, coworkers, neighbors, and especially your children can count on. You build trust by showing up for someone. You break trust by being unreliable. It’s okay to say “no”. Get comfortable saying it. No one can fault you for saying no, but they can fault you for saying yes and then not doing what you said you would do. We all say yes to things we knew at the time we probably should have said no to initially. Instead, we worry about someone else’s feelings or how we might be perceived if we say no. Cut. It. Out. When you say yes, say yes because there is nothing else you’d rather be doing than what you’re saying yes to. Say yes because there is no place else you’d rather be than with that person. Say yes knowing you will be fully present in that moment. Otherwise, just say no.

Lesson #5: Know your priorities. The things that are truly important to you show through your actions. If it’s important to you, you’ll make time for it. List, rank,  schedule and repeat. This is the basic method for prioritizing. However, there is but one rule: Your children should never make this list. Why? Because your children come first e-ve-ry day. Yes, you need to work to pay bills and put food on the table but ask yourself this, if tomorrow you had to give up your possessions or your kids, what would you choose? How about, your job or your kids? Your beauty or your kids? Your kids win every time, don’t they? They should. My father may not have put me first, but in doing so I got to experience early on what it feels like to be the last kid picked for a game of dodgeball where your “best friend” is the captain. No doubt it was a terrible feeling, but being my father’s last pick, gave me the ability to show the people that are important to me today how much I value them. I know what they need to feel loved and appreciated. With me, they never have to wonder where they stand. Maybe you’re not a parent yet, but I’m sure there is someone in your life that tops your chart. Someone who comes first all the time, every time, no matter the time. Whoever it is that is special to you, make them your number one above all else; the job, the bills, your worldly possessions. Show up for them. Never let them wonder. Pick them every time. And then you tell them every damn day “You matter to me”.

Lesson #6: History does not repeat itself. You are born to an earthly family. You cannot choose the members of that family. You are born into a social and economic class. You are born in a specific place and at a specific time. You do not have control over these things, but you are not pre-determined to stay in that place forever. That is not your last stop. You are not stuck. You have the ability to change your circumstances. You can stop the cycle. You are not your parents. You may share DNA, but you do not have to share the same future. You have the power to forge your own path. Every day, the average adult makes something like 35,000 choices. During 34,958 of those decisions points throughout my day, I consciously pause, think about what my parents would do, and then I do the complete opposite. That technique may not work for everyone, but my point is,  you do not have to accept anything less than extraordinary for yourself regardless of your upbringing. That is but a stop in your journey. Your earthly family just might not be your forever family. Which is a perfect segue to the last lesson my father taught me.

Lesson #7: Family is not biologic. I wanted so badly for my parents to be together, married and traditional. I wasted hours of my life on my knees, praying, wishing on birthday candles and angel numbers and shooting stars that I could just have a “normal” family. Whatever “normal” was at the time. My youth was quite different from what kids are exposed to and influenced by today and the definition of family has taken on new meaning across the globe. It’s no longer just genetics that defines our familial relationships. Hooray! We finally got the memo. This is not news to me. You see, I learned a long time ago, if you’re not born into the family that you need, you have to go out and build it. It’s like with anything in life. You want a business – build it. Wealth – build it. Solid marriage – build it. Friendship – build it. A loving relationship with your kid – build it. Good health – build it. Fit body – build it. Think about who it is you give your time to, who you share special moments with. It’s who you go to for advice, safety and support. It’s who dries your tears. It’s your biggest fan, your secret keeper. It’s who has your back. It’s who puts you first in their life. These are the people essential to your soul. Make room in your heart for them and build your spirit family.